Hi Rank-Master Siobhan subscribers and fans. My name is Violet, and I am the creator of the Blog (capitalized to show importance) Heads Up Phones Down.
You may be wondering… “Hey!? I look at this blog to see Siobhan’s opinions, not yours!”
To that, I say, now I am going to list my favorite to least favorite toothpaste brands.
Why toothpaste? You might then ask?
Well… the story starts eighteen years ago, in the fall of 2004.
Unfortunately, I don't have the time to take you through it step by step, so I'll just say this: I have a lot of idle time to think while brushing my teeth every night, and this was the first idea I had (hard to see the connection there, huh?)
As for what makes me a toothpaste expert, I subscribe to the belief that sheeple culture is the latest epidemic. I, for one, diverge from the herd. I am no sheeple, at least in terms of toothpaste.
So, here we are.
1. Arm and Hammer, EXTREME Whitening
There’s just honestly not much to say here. It’s so good that I look forward to brushing my teeth. Now, I’ll be the first to be honest with you. Initially, I thought this was the most disgusting toothpaste ever invented, but it grew on me.
Maybe there’s a part of it lying in Millennialism; I like it because I know it makes me unique. But, hey, I’m not in philosophy for a reason.
2. Marvis
I’ve used this at a friend’s, specifically the Earl Grey flavor. I don’t remember whether or not I liked it, but it just made me feel so rich it earned its spot at #2.
3. Crest
This was my old toothpaste brand. Tried and true, she never lets you down. Albeit a little boring, sometimes the normie pick is the best option.
4. Colgate
Basic much? I like the total Colgate that the dentist usually gives out for free at the end of an appointment. Other than that, I can’t break the attachment I have grown to A&H. Before this new part of my life, I did like Colgate, though, so #4.
5. Dr. Bronner's
I’ve never tried this, and I don’t know anyone who has, but I like their soap, so I decided to add it.
6. Sensodyne
I know that sensitive teeth are a real medical issue, but I don’t understand how Sensodyne helps. I’m not going to say too much, though, because both my parents use it, so the curse of weakened gums may be lingering in my future. Right now, I am not a fan of the texture or the flavor.
7. Toms
All I have to say here is no. Somehow, tom’s takes classic, lovable flavors and smashes them to a pulp. I’ll be real, I haven’t tried this one since I was little, so this may need reevaluation. But there’s no way I’m buying anything other than Arm & Hammer, so this reevaluation might be a long time coming.
8. Bite
Sure, it's better for the environment.’ But is it, is it really? And is that slight plastic waste reduction worth being subjected to the dry, chalky feel of the little toothpaste pebbles? I’ll let you sit with that one…
9. Charcoal toothpaste
Now, I know and love a couple of people who have fallen victim to charcoal toothpaste’s clutches. Sure, whatever, it’s good for whitening. Still, it is nothing if not exceedingly extra. And it has a grimy flavor. It just doesn’t leave you with the same refreshed feel, spitting black goo into the sink. It’s like your mouth turned into an asphalt paver at the end of a long day. Yum!
10. Salt toothpaste
Talk about extra. If you use this, I know you never once shut up about it. It’s like talking to someone who has run a marathon, except this gives you no valid reason to be so enamored with your own lifestyle choices. If I saw this in someone’s bathroom cabinet, I would ask my mom to fake a family emergency so I could go home.
Honorable mentions:
The lovely chocolate mint toothpaste I get at the dentist's office. I hold this highly, but I’ve never seen it away from the reclined leather chair of Dr. Mindy’s.
Aquafresh toothpaste: now, this one, I never owned. But my sister was a big fan. Personally, even as a child, I was strong enough to handle a nice minty flavor. But she loved the bubble mint. Unlike the usual, it wasn’t too ‘spicy.’ I do have something to say about the lovely striped look of this one and the plastic cylindrical tube. Overall, just a fantastic design.
Quick note from Siobhan: I trust violet whole heartedly BUT as rank master I have to say that pronamel/sensodyne will always be #1
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